Contrary to Popular Belief. . .

I am not going to China for any of these reasons:

1. To find Audrey Raines

2. To find out if I can eat Jell-O with chopsticks

3. To become a soap opera star (ok, maybe this is a goal of mine. But I'm embarrassed about it)

4. To coach the Chinese water polo team

5. To lose 20 pounds.

6. To meet the brains behind The Bodies Exhibition

7. Because I've always wanted to be exotic, and I've recently decided that being a fashion zero in New York doesn't count.

8. To kidnap baby pandas for American zoos

9. To see what a traffic jam with bicycles instead of cars looks like

10. Tired of seeing white guys on my money—bring on Mao!

11. To find shoes in my size

12. To see if the accuracy rate of fortune cookies is higher there

13. I heard there was an underpopulation problem

14. To launch a Chinese Elvis impersonator convention